June, July and August said...

Although I've been feeling more peaceful and self-assured lately, I still feel as though Spring is standing on the tip of its toes and gazing out to the summer ahead and a gulf of unknown ahead. I feel mostly curious, awake and even a tiny bit scared about it, but I've tried to adopt a carefree attitude in order to allow things to happen around me. And when I look away from my toes curled up around the edge of the gulf, I have found solace in current pleasures. I'm enjoying little things like sips of fresh water, quiet solitary moments as I lie in bed at night, phone conversations with good friends, and spontaneous events that bring me great delight. For example, I had a surprise visit last night at 10:30 p.m. We had been chatting on the phone for a while and I joked about convincing him to drop by to share a cup of tea with me on my balcony. Fifteen minutes after I said goodbye and hung up, he was standing at my door with a box of green tea. It is so nice to break routine, my friends! It feels great. It makes me feel like a happy child, excited about little changes of routine. We both should've been in bed like adults with real jobs to go to in the morning, but instead we sat on the back balcony drinking the tea, quietly chatting and sharing laughs until midnight. Was I exhausted the next morning? You bet. Actually, I felt like my brain was going to shatter into a million pieces by the end of my very draining work day. But the change of routine, the swapping of stories and the human contact on a cool May evening made up for it. I love things out of the ordinary. Sometimes I lack in sleep for it, but I'd rather bask in change than sit in a stagnant routine. You should give it a shot sometime soon, like calling an old friend up out of the blue, or meeting someone in an unusual place at an unusual time - anything. Hell, give me a call and I'll happily comply.

So yeah, work was extremely demanding and draining today. My brain was shutting down in a way I haven't experienced in a long, long time this afternoon - just at the exact time when one of my bosses starting talking about public policy, financing, litigation and research. I hope I've got some cheerleaders hidden around the sidelines somewhere, because my confidence started to waver at times during the exchange. I was able to regain some composure and a strange feeling of self-righteousness by the end of the work day, but then again that might be my infamous rationalization kicking in.

I just got back from Carolyn's place, which is thankfully just a mere five minute walk from the Murray St. apartment. We sat down with coffee and popcorn to watch Goodbye Lenin, a film I had already seen at the movie theatre with Chris many months ago. I left early, which makes me a bit of a bum - we hadn't gotten through half the movie, but my attention span was limited and I want to catch a bit more rest for another big day tomorrow. Spontaneity is good, but in doses I suppose. Still, I think Carolyn is fantastic and it was great to spend a bit of time with her. Maybe I would've lasted if the movie wasn't German with subtitles, but on second thought I'm not sure I could've even handled Sesame Street.

A nice hot shower, return a few phone calls and off to bed I go, with these fitting lyrics in my head...

Well it's time to begin as the summer sets in
It's the scene
You set for new lovers
You play your part painting in a new start
But each gate will open another

June July and August said
"It's probably hard to plan ahead"
June July and August said
"It's better to bask in each others"

Gatekeeper seasons wait for your nod
Gatekeeper you held your breath
Made the summer go on and on

Well we tried to stay in from the cold and wind
Making love and making our dinner
Only to find that the love that we grew in the summer
Froze

February April said
"Don't be fooled by the summer again"
February April said
"That half of the year, well we'll never be friends"

Gatekeeper seasons wait for your nod
Gatekeeper you held your breath
Made the winter go on and on

Gatekeeper, Gatekeeper, Gatekeeper
Seasons wait for my nod