Although daily life is generally moving along without a hitch, I feel a slow, massive transition taking place in this minefield of a mind. I can see this glacier starting to melt, I can hear the cracks and creaks of the ice breaking away. But which way is it going, and what after-effects will tanspire?
I've never felt more unsure about things. Not in a panicked way, but in an unsettled trying-to-crack-the-code way. And I feel the anger in occasional sparks. Sometimes it is strong enough to wake me up. I was drinking a glass of water and looking out the window at five this morning.
I'm looking for some discipline. Has anyone seen it around? I need a dash here and there for zen sitting, for health habits, for work. I am writing an entry in my blog at the office at one this afternoon.
Oh, and here's another spark of self-righteous anger. I can almost step away from it to observe the emotion in wonder. The tug of war lies in the attempt to walk away from a bad situation to let silence engulf it, and then the attempt to speak out to explain that I was treated poorly. Some days I am proud that I walked away with my head held high and little words. Other days I just want to put it out there and confront the person who has instigated these painful feelings.
This rant is not without reason. So I turn this blog unto you, my friends: tell me, how can I learn to forget? and forgive? and trust again? what do you do, in times like these?
3 commentaires:
For me, it's the simplest of answers, but the toughest to undertake. There is much to risk. There is much to lose, but even more to gain. It's discipline at its grittiest. It's also quite zen. What do I speak of? Faith.
The inner feeling, the knowing, that: "This, too, shall pass."
It's the primordial Tao.
Buddha teaches that unsurpassed Awakening [bodhi] has faith as its cause.
Christ teaches "You don't need more faith. There is no "more' or "less' in faith. If you have a bare kernel of faith, say the size of a poppy seed, you could say to this sycamore tree, "Go jump in the lake,' and it would do it."
Bono said it well:
"You're packing a suitcase
For a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed
To be seen".
Our faith is what allows us to carry on. The world seems like a dark, dismal and scary place. To many, it's hopeless. To me, I most often choose to see love and hope. It's a matter of walking by faith; not by sight.
You may not be willing to forgive, forget and trust again right now. That's ok. However, like Bono also said: "Walk on". With faith stronger than your fears, you will soon find yourself forgiving yourself, and trusting yourself.
If you knew exactly how each of your days were to unfold, what all the answers are to all our conundrums, than there would be nothing to learn, nowhere to grow, and nothing to do. Faith says: "I have no idea how this is going to happen, but I'm jumping in anyway. I'll be shown the way."
It's not ours to educatedly ask how or when or why, but to innately BE.
Jesus said: The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, 'Here it is,' or 'There it is,' because the kingdom of God is within you."
About walking away with self-righteous anger, I often think of Patrick Bruel: "Mieux vaut vivre avec des remords qu'avec des regrets!"
So, all in all, I'm certainly not proclaiming that one should be blind to the world; a sort of blind-optimist. It's more of an inner-knowing that life is more than what we make it. Quantum science teaches that in the order, there is chaos, and within the chaos, there is a grand order, a declaration of the intrinsic and implicit Godliness that surrounds us, and that is within us. We are all beings of beauty, perfection and wonder.
I used to walk around with the idea that karma governs my reality. I now see it a bit different. I now have faith, and display that through my actions, that my life is one of grace. There, but by the grace of God, go I.
enuf said,
alain desaulniers
Well said Al. I was actually going to post a comment to Camille about just having faith that everything will be worked out.
Adele
Ali Ali Ali... Thank you for the time you always take to share your thoughts with me, to reassure me, to encourage me. You are an excellent friend. Thanks for bearing with me and my continual search...
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