I've realized lately that I am not a very ambitious person. I can love my job, work hard at doing it and hope that'll it'll somehow pay off, but in the end I'd still rather ignore what's down the road two or five or ten years from now. I would rather feel the sand between my toes, or the sun on my skin, or the rain on my face, or meet an old friend and spend the afternoon chatting away over a cup of coffee. I would prefer, in fact, to dance my heart out, taste new food, pet a dog or a cat, have a nap on the couch, discover a new author or push myself even further as I run. So with this in mind, it appears that I'm ready for retirement! Seriously, I wonder if my lack of ambition and struggle not to be defined by the job I have or the advancements I make in life will end up being the fatal flaw that does me in and lands me in a cardboard box fifteen years down the line. I can't quite understand why, but that's just how I feel and I'm just trying to negotiate that in my brain and my life right now. My job is satisfying and creative and I'm happy to be where I am - in fact, I know that I'm lucky to have the opportunities that are given to me - but at the same time, sometimes I just want to sit out on the curb somewhere, slouched and kicking pebbles away without a care in the world. In other words, I'm growing up and trying to understand exactly what this 'adult' business is really about. It seems absurd and naive to write such a ridiculous thing, but again I can't help but see it that way. It's funny, but I keep expecting to fail or be 'found out' sometimes, especially at work. I was sitting in a meeting today with new clients, presenting design concepts and discussing technicalities, when I had one of my flashes of non-ambition. It was aware of myself in the most curious way, seeing myself interact in what is probably seen as a completely normal and confident manner, while stepping back and thinking with a grin, 'whoa man, is that really you talking? When did you learn this shit? Why are you surrounded by suits in a government department and leading a meeting? Really?'

The other thing I am, apart from unambitious, is way too introspective. I realized that after I had lunch with a co-worker today. I don't really know him all that much, yet here I am just blabbing on and he looked on with a sheepish smile. And, well, he actually said it, simply and gently: 'Being introspective can be exhausting, huh'. I stopped. I got it. Actually, I got that I am waaaaay too introspective. Again, I can't help it, it's as though it's linked to my imagination, which just wants to run with every element around me and make it interesting, beautiful, meaningful, funny, etc. But he was wrong in the sense that it is not quite exhausting to be this way - it's somehow amusing, sometimes fun, sometimes revelatory. What I find exhausting is trying to explain my thoughts to other people, or trying to shut it out and be more pragmatic and dry. That is actually my number one default characteristic when I try to suppress my introspective tendencies - purely logical, extremely straight-forward and to the point, and efficient. It's like a dual side to me that rears its ugly head, normally when I'm in meetings or around people who are impatient. I don't even try to show my real self to impatient people, because that makes me the perfect candidate to get squashed under their exasperated, annoyed or condescending looks. But I wasn't so bad today, I think - some of the suits are, I suspect, a little bit like me somehow. One of the guys is younger and uses big words, but I like the occasional swear word or the fact that he yawns without excuse over the telephone at the end of a long conversation. I'd rather that, simply because it's more human. Man... I've got to somehow figure out a way to negotiate these conflicting reactions... Or it's a cardboard box for me, perhaps!

But back to what my co-worker said. It really did remind me that I should really tap back into my appreciation of simplicity and peace & quiet, and that I should just, well, shut up sometimes and feel what I feel instead of trying to decide how it is that I'm feeling, or why, and what it means. I know that's not what he was trying to say - but still, it was a nice reminder to reign in and slow down the imagination so that I can actually see the things I pass by.

And back to my original point - I would rather be on holidays any time, and so obviously I am dying for some time off soon. I'm starting it off on the evening of the 22nd by having a complete body massage & 'body wrap' at an aveda spa, where they apparently treat you from head to toe and wrap you up in warm towels as you're being worked on. aaaah. i never usually do this kind of thing - actually, I have never had a professional massage in my life before - but I'm doing this with my mom and Manon, who had the idea in the first place. Then it's a week of sleeping in, eating good food, catching up with friends and whatever the hell you do during holidays. As for any traveling, I may go see a band in Toronto at one point, but otherwise I'm staying put. Apparently I'm being shipped off to Kelowna in February, the sleepy little ski town that attracts snowboarders, and... retirees! But it's for work-related purposes - oh, the paradox...