There is a large sheet of paper posted on the kitchen wall at work. It requests that all employees select their vacation dates as soon as possible to prevent too much overlap of absences between staff members. The sheet has been up for several weeks now, and is slowly but surely filling up. And yet a blank remains next to my name.

It's all linked to the past three weeks. During this period of time, my schedule has changed drastically, from hefty overtime and constant communications with clients and coworkers, to 8:30 to 5 with coffee breaks, next to no meetings and little interaction with the team of writers and designers. Now that most major tasks have been completed for my two biggest files, with nothing left to do but pick up smaller projects and concentrate on writing post-mortem reports, I find myself at a loss for the first time in eight months. I've come to realize now how much time and dedication was thrown into my job, and have a sneaking suspicion that it may have pushed out a few of the other things in my life as it inflated with every month. Strangely enough, I've been craving quieter times both at work and at home, but now that there is a semblance of normalcy in my life, I feel restless and lost. It's almost embarassing - well, it is - but I seem to have lost all "zen" in my spirit. Where is the peaceful acceptance of all things and steady contentment I have previously experienced? Why do I feel boredom, something that normally is an alien concept to me, regardless of whether I was surrounded by people or sitting alone in an empty room for hours?

And so, I return to this large sheet of paper posted on the kitchen wall, the one that beckons me to pick up a pen and commit to some time off. I've realized only today that I've avoided considering the subject, and that perplexes me somewhat. As I write I begin to understand that there has been no natural transition between an overflowing, crazy lifestyle and the suddenly airy options before me (which also include the overwhelmingly boring reports that I must write). I know that I need time off, but for some reason I haven't been able to do it. Another reason is my indecision as to what to do with that time off. There was a question of Brazil, where I would have a familiar face to greet me and a place to stay. Also off to Canmore to visit a dear friend in a beautiful sleepy town. And of course there's Saskatoon, where my best friend waits for me. While this awareness is helping me shake some of the indecision I feel, I can't help but still recognize an emptiness when I wonder if this time off will help or further damage this ever-growing thought that is nagging me: is this all enough? I like my job and I have learned so much in such a short period of time, but in a way it's as though I've proven myself and now I don't know what else there is to do. I never thought I would work in the place I work in, I never thought I would manage such substantial files, I never thought I would be a project manager by now, nevermind being promoted to Senior Project Manager after six months. It almost happened too fast, too hard, and now I just feel like something is missing. And what is the solution? Hopefully, hopefully some time off, if I can bring myself to book it! Some time for me to rest and laugh and dream and love. I need to believe that I can gain that again somehow. It is not that I despair or am perpetually troubled, but there is just something that is not sitting right, that is all. Oh, but did I mention love? That means lots of hugs and letters and messages from you. Yes, you. Please, you! It's all I ask of. If you make me feel loved, it can make up for all the other things, I really believe that.

Another thing on my mind... A set of wheels. Yes, you heard me. I'm not looking to go hard-core right away though - I know that I need to baby-step this one for it to progress properly. So, I'm mildly looking around at used scooters to get me through a part of the summer. What do you think? If I can find something suitable and not too expensive, I think it might be a very, very nice thing to have for a while. I'd like to just zip around the city at moderate speeds between home and work, and in between. So, if you hear of anything, you'll let me know, won't you? And you know, if that doesn't work out, I'll just pick up a pair of shoes or two to make up for it!