Thoughts at the Cottage

Day Two - July 24, 2007

The rapidity with which I am able to adapt my headspace from one realm to another is shocking. Not having had a vacation from work for over a year, I thought it might be difficult to settle into this newfound freedom for the week. Of course, there are remnants that come up infrequently, moments when I realize that there must be tasks that I've left undone; but generally, I've been able to push the existence of my professional life into someplace hazy and faraway.

I'd love to say that I slept perfectly, but I did not. I read my book until late, probably 2 a.m., and then was nearly overwhelmed and unarmed by the complete solitude out here in this cottage country. It was a strange emotion, to both fear vulnerability and yet force myself to feel it. One could scoff, but in my typical reality I am surrounded by others in neighbouring apartments, with cars passing outside and technology, namely a phone, a cell and the internet, at my fingertips. Here, the silence is thick and heavy as it settles itself into pure darkness. And the only link to others - my cellphone - betrayed the sense of comfort it provided when it rang at 4 a.m. I woke abruptly, grasping for it in a haze, pushing any button I could to silence the ringer. Inexplicably, no number popped up on the Caller ID, not even a "Caller ID Unavailable" message on the screen, and by the time I answered, no person was on the other end, either. Although I may have simply grunted impatiently and quickly fallen back asleep if back home, last night it left me feeling unsettled and confused for a while. Was I dreaming? Who was calling me? Why was the number concealed? But somehow I finally succeeded in pushing back these questions at the back of my mind, and fell asleep again soon after. I know my imagination is powerful, and have thus developed the skill to recognize when it's about to kick into overdrive. Still, all to say that my first night of rest was not ideal. The greatest comfort I took was in knowing that I would have plenty of opportunities for naps the following day. After all, what else do I have to do but eat, sleep, swim, read and write? Here, all distractions are stripped away to reveal the barest and simplest of human activities. And here I am, doing my best to reveal the beauty or meaning in such things.

And in simplicity comes realization. As every hour goes by, the realizations - from the tiny to the existential - pile up. I never realized how easy it was to shed clarity on one's thoughts; but what is scary, and still unknown, is facing these without knowing how to react. I very well know how good - or bad - some situations in my life are, but now it's trying to see if I have the strength, the integrity, the desire even, to deal with them appropriately.

But it must be said, if a car drove up to the front entrance of this place, engine purring, inviting me to pack up and go home, I would not leave. I feel far away, and I welcome the strange thoughts that come with it. I have not yet mentioned the countless times in the last few days when, for no particular reason, I find a smile spreading on my lips. The interesting part of this solitary experience is that it provides a physical and emotional space that I need and have been craving for a long time, a space in which I can stretch as far as I can, sing as loud as I want, and discover new thoughts without being bogged down by a schedule, commitments and people in general. I'm stumbling at times, it's true - but the fall never feels too hard, and I can stay down or get up as quickly as I want. And, more importantly, no one's watching me do any of it, anyway...


******************


Just spent an hour up at my aunt and uncle's cottage, which is nearby. After having taken a walk down the beach and up the gravel roads to the dépanneur to get a few supplies, I gathered my wits together and convinced myself to make the mandatory visit, which I'd already put off a day and a half. Truth be told, it was quite a nice break from the solitude, and what started out as duty turned into a pleasant time that offered the comfort of conversation, a cup of coffee and a dog to play with. I've now just returned to my own abode with a new sense of reassurance and quiet energy. Night has just fallen, and the upbeat music from my laptop is complimented by the sound of waves coming from the veranda windows. All things considered, this truly is "the life", my friends. This newfound sense of calm is adding weight to the sudden decision I took earlier this week, which is to switch my dream of having my own shiny new Vespa next spring to the alternate plan of getting my driver's license before summer's end, so that I may acquire a car instead. Yes it's true - I've faced reality with a bit of a grimace and shook hands on this new compromise - a more sensible vehicle that would allow more utility and broaden my possibilities year-round. Of course, I find the idea of seeing myself behind the wheel - my wheel - quite foreign and almost comical, but I'd have to face that one day or another, anyway. Maybe someday this will facilitate the possibility of living further from the city, say Wakefield or Chelsea, which would be another funny but wonderful realization.

In any case, that is for later - right now I am sitting at the kitchen table under the warm glow of the seventies-style lamp, my arms resting on the plastic flower-patterned tablecloth, with the sound and smell of the water seaping into my entire being. No compromising for once - this reality exists, and I am here to experience it fully, completely. The only thing missing? You...


DAY THREE - July 25, 2007

It has been a fulfilling day.

Full of sunshine, swimming and sunbathing. Digging my toes into the sand, seeing the water gleam on my stomach as I lay there. The radio in the background, playing pleasant songs for such occasions. I wore my grand-father's old hat once I changed into my bikini, and kept it on my head as I dipped into the river.

Oh but the shower was cold! But my hair was messy and dirty, and I forced myself to wash it twice. But the clean smell of soap on my skin was wonderful.

Delightful visit from my grand-parents. Finished Harry Potter!

I am getting sleepy, and going to bed now. Gonna read Archie comic books and hopefully sleep as well as I did last night...

xo

DAY FOUR - July 26, 2007

Day four was a welcome change from all the quiet and solitude I'd been able to reap during my time here. After a good night's sleep, I woke up late and sat around reading Archie comic books before cleaning up and getting dressed. Soon after, my cousin JF dropped by to say hello; we went down to the beach for some conversation over a beer and ended up spending countless hours catching up, chatting about things that have probably been unsaid in the years and years since we've become adults. We used to spend our childhood summers together here at the cottage, and I think it was meaningful to both of us to connect again and reflect on that.

At five I finally left the beach and came inside for a nap. It was hot and sticky, but the sound of the waves seemed to make up for it. I lay naked on the bed, nearly swaying as though the waves themselves were rocking me to sleep. When I awoke, I climbed into my clothes and straw hat and sat on the veranda couch, doing crossword puzzles as I waited for some company to arrive. Soon, Manon, Sarah and Trevor came inside, eyes wide at the scenery and beauty of the location. Quickly beer and wine were poured, and we spent the remainder of the evening outside on the beach and patio, snacking and eating a simple pasta supper that Manon had concocted for us. At sunset, we watched as a young man walked along the shore with a tiny being that followed diligently at his heals; it was a baby racoon he'd found a week earlier, and whom had now adopted the man as her new mother. It was the most adorable, heartbreaking thing to see, and see we did - we couldn't resist stopping to ask questions, and before I knew it she was in my arms, looking me directly in the eyes with a soft and eager look. Her fur was silky and the skin on her pads was like velvet. Love at first sight does indeed exist!

Once the sun came down the mosquitos came out, so we returned indoors to prepare for their departure. I had just enough time to put an old French 50's LP on the record player and dance and sing merrily for my guests. It was joyous and light, and I waved happily as they climbed the stairs outside towards their car. Tomorrow will be my final day alone; the week is coming to a close, and I've got a girls' weekend up ahead. The good news is that Sarah and Manon enjoyed themselves so much here that it was decided that the weekend would be spent here instead of at a cottage in Kingston. I couldn't be happier to keep my bags unpacked for another few days! The bubble will burst on Sunday, but I'll have time to ignore that deadline and simply enjoy the horizon, the sound of the waves, the beach and naps galore. How on earth will I return to work after such a fulfilling week? I am not sure, but I am guessing it will depend on how easily I can channel the beauty and peace I gained here into my usual work surroundings. And, of course, make it a plan to return here as much as humanly possible!

xo

DAY FIVE - July 27, 2007
(As written by Sarah)

Quel belle soirée! On est arrivé vers 7:30, avec de la fine cuisine du "Spot", et un bon verre de fin...c'est le début d'une fin de semaine de rêve! Ca fait au moin un mois que je pense a cette fin de semaine avec les jumelles. Ca fait longtemps qu'on n'a pas passé plus qu'une soirée ensemble, et je sais que pour moi, c'était dû! La vie quotidienne se remplit tellement vite que c'est difficile de trouver des moments pour se rejoindre. Je suis jalouse de toi Camille! Une semaine de relax, dans ce chalet paisible, sur la plage de sable noir...this is life!

Une autre raison de mon bonheur est que....je vais être très honnête, je vais tromper mon chum tout la fin de semaine avec un adolescent. Je vais l'avoir avec moi sur la plage, dans mon lit, et même peut-être a la toilette. Ah oui, j'aime les ado!

À demain!

*************

(As written by Manon)
Me voici...après une belle soirée animée d'histoires un peu fofolles, partagées avec camille et sarah, de la poutine, un p'tit voyage 'chez martine', pis des maudites grosses piqures de bibittes sur les pieds...et je suis heureuse. reposée, finalement, suivant une longue fin de semaine assez stressante. ici, le travail n'a pas de place, les responsabilités, le protocol, le blabla quotidien avec ceux qui se fouent carrément de nous. ici, il y a l'appréciation, le rire, le repos, la relaxation, l'amitié, la confiance et la paix. on ne peut pas se plaindre, an....et pis là que chopin joue dans l'arrière-plan, le ventilateur qui oscille doucement, à ma gauche, à ma droite...je sens que nous allons toutes très bien dormir.

Mais avant...moi aussi je dois tromper mon chum. Cet adolescent est captivant en mautadit, moi aussi je le veux. mais il n'y a pas de compétion entre sarah et moi pour ce grand garçon aux lunettes rondes. il est très heureux de se partager avec nous toutes. j'arrive, le jeune, j'arrive! parait-il que ce sera la dernière fois qu'on passera du temps ensemble, au moins pour un long bout de temps. :)

soupir de contentement.
manon xo

DAY SIX - July 28, 2007

What a day, what a day, what a day.

Of course, I've just come back inside from a fantastical evening of conversation, full of revelations, laughter and insight. And, to rival that, a few blissful moments just before midnight when I became possessed with the idea of skinny dipping into the river. I finished my glass of wine and, equipped with just a towel, found myself stripping and wandering out to the shore. Sarah stood there with a candel, my towel and a glass of wine, watching my naked silhouette in the moonlight as I waded into the water. It was amazingly refreshing; after talk of my dip into the glacier waters of Alberta several years ago, the water felt warm, calm and inviting. I dipped in completetly to the sound of Sarah's hoots and hollers, announcing to the entire beachfront that there was a naked woman in the water. It was exhilirating, fun and beautiful to hear her cries of joy amidst the stillness of the night. I can't explain what happens to me when I swim at night. The outline of the watery horizon, the moon illuminating clouds and casting a gorgeous glow on the river, the coolness against my bare body. The freedom and delight that engulfs me is just beyond compare. In those moments I wish the world could watch me there, not out of conceit, but out of proof that life is, in fact, quite beautiful.

And yes, the day that led up to this event was perfect in its own right; we woke up to the sound of rain tapping against the cottage windows, grey skies forcing us indoors for a while. But in truth, this allowed the girls some much desired time to read and lie about in their pyjamas, as I tackled surprisingly meditative tasks of cleaning up and washing dishes. At suppertime we cooked our food on the barbecue, followed by a pleasant bout of laziness on the beach, our toes immersed in the sand as we exchanged fears and longings and advice for both.

I wish only that my friends, my readers, find such simple joys in the near future. Should you find yourselves in the vicinity of such bare beauty, do not be afraid - the bugs and boiled water and old cutlery are only rites of passage that will allow you to move towards the simplest and greatest truths and beauty this world have to offer. If such an occasion should come upon you, don't forget to tell me all about it! It will be a pleasure to relive my own memories through yours, and to applaud your own discoveries and comforts.

The wine has rendered me sleepy now, so I leave you here. Sleep well, love well and live well, my friends. What a great conductor of realization summertime can be!

xo