It's been hard to write in my blog lately, mainly because some recent comments I've received about it have rendered me thoughtful and admittedly a bit self-conscious about my writing, what goes in here and what the point is. This blog and the notion of using a forum to give others access to one's thoughts and personal writing is something that has interested me since I began posting messages over a year ago, but in the past week I don't feel so confident about the positive sides of it.

Among the comments was one saying that I write for others, which prevents me from being a great writer. I was told that, only when I stop caring so much about what other people think will I be able to write something truly good. It was explained to me that the real problem is not the blog itself - that's allright, and it can be a pleasant distraction to me and to others who read it - it's that, on top of the superficial reasons, I do want to be a great writer. I want to do something with it somehow, someday, and the fact that I write in this blog while having that very yearning is apparently preventing me from reaching that very greatness that I secretly want to achieve. "You have to write for yourself", I was told.

Another opinion, although kinder and more philosophical, was that real thoughts and feelings on this blog aren't necessarily being shared with others as much as simply picking and choosing the parts I want to reveal and control. What this individual was trying to convey was that I don't really relate the real essence of who I am to others because of this contrived outlet, and the fact that a lot of people have access to it; all of my friends, some family members, even some ex-boyfriends. It seems that, in this person's opinion, even someone who spends hours reading my messages wouldn't walk away with a good understanding of who Camille truly is. "You have to write for yourself", I was told again.

So I'm giving these words some thought in order to distill what truth might lie there. It's hard sometimes to take a long and hard look at myself, which I find disorienting and difficult. But it's good to have feedback too, which allows me to see what I agree or disagree with, and what I can learn from or reject. I'm trying to figure out why I like writing so much, and where it could possibly lead, personally or otherwise, and why I choose to share my writing and to use this medium as opposed to writing alone in my small room, like I used to years ago. Although I've insisted that in most cases I genuinely write for myself and my own interest, some have argued that on some level, I must surely be conscious of the reactions the writing might have on people. And then, to finish it all, I wonder if all this is foolish, and too much meaning is being interpreted into something that isn't suppose to mean that much in the first place. Isn't this simply meant for entertainment, a place for friends to connect and to know what I'm up to? But sowhere between the lines, I think there is a reason why I write so much and share it with others here. Whether it's important for me to understand that reason remains to be seen.