These days I’ve been feeling anxious. I’m not sure what triggered the feeling – maybe it was around the time Bush was re-elected, maybe it was this weekend when I felt the first winter chill in the air, or maybe stuff is just catching up. Although generally things seem to have calmed around me, my thoughts and dreams are creeping about with a certain heaviness. For example, I shared some nice moments with Chris last night and this morning, only to wake a few hours later from unpleasant dreams of anger, yelling, and awful situations. I feel as though my subconscious is steps behind my surface-level thoughts, like a scruffy-looking teenager lurking around the back of a 7-11 at night. I used this imagery when I spoke to Chris on the phone today, and it seems to describe the undercurrents in my brain accurately, if not mockingly. Perhaps I can laugh this discomfort away?
I can usually talk people down from any unpleasant mood, whether it be guilt, panic, nervousness or even restlessness. I also try to apply these methods to my own thoughts and daily ways. This ability has allowed me to put things into perspective in order to banish stress and worry. It has helped to consolidate my laid-back willingness to try and take everything in stride. However, in this ability lies a great fault, which is that of rationalization. For those of you who would like some clarification, here is the Merriam Webster's dictionary definition: to bring into accord with reason or cause something to seem reasonable: as a : to substitute a natural for a supernatural explanation, b : to attribute (one's actions) to rational and creditable motives without analysis of true and especially unconscious motives.
Sometimes – most of the time – I think I am able to cut things down to size and make situations and emotions more bearable in a healthy way. I usually manage to do this in a realistic manner. However, I do recognize that there are times where this “cutting down to size” becomes plain, gross rationalization, especially in the more disconcerting situations. This means that I might turn away from dealing with an issue face-to-face while convincing myself of a bunch of reasons why it’s ok to do that, and reasons to unfairly and unjustly minimize things that need to be dealt with. So, I think I get to these points sometimes where, knowing that I sometimes rationalize, I wonder how much of what is going on in my life is actual reality. I find myself wondering, in all-of-a-sudden moments like these, if I’ve been living in a bubble. Am I just kidding myself about the truth of the love in my life, the work I do, the school work I complete? It sounds drastic, but when you recklessly agree to swallow anything that comes your way, you have to wonder what exactly you’ve done to yourself, and is it really possible to digest it all?
I’m now at a slight loss of how to deal with this while trying to stay focused on the true reality of things – no rationalizing, hopefully. I suppose I will begin with the basics; spending more time on my own and having a few zen sitting sessions to find more clarity and calm. Then perhaps some organizing and To Do lists to face unfinished business. I’ve got silly and not-so-silly errands and things hanging over my head – I haven’t done last year’s taxes, for example (another fault sometimes tied in with rationalization: procrastination, ick.). Then hopefully I will start to feel like myself again: comfortable, capable, and seeing the magic again in the good stuff in life, like art, music, literature, the knitting I am doing, etc. Thankfully these things always maintain a perfect balance of ethereal and reality. Nothing to rationalize about that.
The world could be crumbling around me, but if I have those things it’ll be ok.
…Uh-oh. There I go again. Ouf, what a tangled web this is!
Aucun commentaire:
Publier un commentaire