Pêle-mêle

It's Friday morning and I'm at work. I just had a quick conversation with my boss about a few things I've been unhappy about, but I got a quick platitude for a response and get the feeling that my concerns have been swept under the rug. I'm close to the breaking point, I think. I've been at the (name removed) for three years now and I think I've had enough of no feedback, no encouragement, superficial co-workers and underpaid salary. Sure, that often got evened out by the convenient location (a few minutes from the university), the physical environment (spacious heritage home in a residential neighborhood), having my own office with balcony, and being solely responsible for the administration of an interesting youth program. But you know, after three years those pros seem to be wilting. I find myself wanting to sock it to a few co-workers here, and spending my spare time browsing the Charity Village web site for new possibilities. Well, the flirting with the idea of a new job may soon turn into aggressive tactics.

Apart from feeling disgruntled with work, the anxiety I have been feeling is starting to evaporate somewhat. In between crappy thoughts I've had miraculous flashes of realizations which remind me that I'm currently living a pretty good life right now, and there are certain aspects of my life which technically should keep me grinning most of the time. Anyway, I won't bore anyone with my self-cheerleading ways, but all to say that I'm not so blue anymore. I've still got lots of sorting out to do regarding some thoughts, feelings and projects, but I may just get it together sometime soon.

As mentioned, I attended the Remembrance Day Ceremony near Parliament Hill. I know some people, especially those who might identify themselves as pacifists, feel that attending the ceremony only helps to glorify war, which also borrows from ideological notions of patriotism. However, I can't say that I agree with that opinion. It's true that in certain ceremonies there is mention of current wars (or is it 'illegal invasions' these days?) and subtle pleading for the public's support. But in general, no matter what agenda some official might have in the planning of the ceremony, and no matter what attendees might be expecting, I go there with my own intentions. These intentions only wish to stop for a couple of hours a year to mourn and remember the people who experienced horrific events both mentally and physically, and who suffered in strange lands so far away from home. I also take the time to remember and respect the women and families who were left behind in the agony of wonder, of waiting and of loss. Some might argue that most of the Canadians who fought in the wars volunteered and that, through their stubborn support of war, paid a price accordingly. But if you take WWI as an example, I don't believe that young 17 and 18 year old men really understood what they were fighting for or what they were getting into. Many of these men were victims of societal movements - at the time, the government pushed a successful propaganda campaign towards the public to encourage and convince them to join the fight. Quickly it became expected that all young men should volunteer to serve in the war, and those individualists who dared to question the war were frowned upon, and even cast out as cowards and bums. Therefore, a Canadian man's participation was not simply a moral issue related to the notion of war, but more about the participation in a societal movement that created a feeling of pressure and obligation to one's reputation and integrity. And let us not forget that, while participation in WWII was initially based on volunteer enrollment, a conscription was enforced after Canada lost a huge number of soldiers, which forced young men back in Canada to either enroll for military service or face imprisonment. Today, these decisions might seem more straight-forward to us, but back in the day when religious and governmental authorities felt omnipresent, the pressures were much greater and the 'right decision' was a bit murky. But assuming that the right decision is more evident today than in the past is arguable; apparently Bush has been leaning towards the possibility of enforcing a conscription related to the 'war' in Iraq, yet a majority of American society has accepted this and his grandiose, patriotic ideology by voting him back into Office. It's crazy, but then again I believe the Bush-Kerry election was based nearly entirely on some kind of ideological issues. To me, it didn't seem like it was about real facts and figures, realistic possibilities and measurable outcomes - it seemed to try and stir up people's notions of morals, ideals and traditions. So it's not such a stretch to try and imagine why these Canadians participated in the war. And so they went, and they waited, and wished, and trained, and fought, and saw, and suffered. It all seems like these people were shipped off to some little hell, and I just feel like that should be remembered and mourned. It won't change anything, but it helps me to add a touch of humanity to something that seems so unbelievable and so far removed from my own reality.

Speaking of my own reality, I suppose it would be time to look for - err, get back - to work. What a strange pêle-mêle morning of disgruntled feelings, happy realizations and thoughts about war...